I had a hard time preparing for our discussion this evening. In the past, I tried to inform you about the ideas and teachings of Christianity. Your questions and our discussions challenged me to think deeply about what I believe and why I believe it. I hope that we have many more discussions in the future. You are all a true blessing to me.
Something happened to me this week that has changed everything about how I will view life in the future. Up until now, Christianity has been the base of my philosophy and how I try live my life. But, I admit that Christianity has been more like a theory or hypothesis to guide my thoughts and actions.
Thursday, I found out that I have prostate cancer. If you are a man and have to have cancer, prostate cancer is probably the best kind to have. It tends to grow slowly and there are many ways of managing it. About 1 in 6 men will get prostate cancer but only about 1 in 34 die from it. I have no symptoms, just a report from the doctor. I will get more information in about a week and then decide what to do next.
When I got the report, I was not shocked or even surprised. But in that instant, I knew that my life was going to change in many ways. I watched my father die from prostate cancer and so I have had experience with the disease. I know that I have many hard decisions in the coming months and years and my journey through life will become harder.
For me, the first emotion I felt when I got the report was fear. The second emotion was a kind of dread of all of the unpleasant things I will have to do to manage my cancer. I don’t like to go to doctors and have strange things done to my body. Then so many thoughts and emotions came I one time that I’m confused by them all. Questions popped into my head. Do I have enough insurance to cover the cost? How will this affect my wife and family? How will my life change? It will take me a while to sort out all of these thoughts, emotions and questions.
Because I am who I am, my first goal is to find a set of principles to guide how I feel and what I do. I need this foundation very much just to regain control of my emotions and behave properly. Because I am a Christian, I hope to find this foundation in the principles and teachings of the Bible.
Now, I know that I am truly going to die someday. Up till now, this has been a distant and kind of theoretical statement. Now it is a certainty. How do I deal with this truth? I think the answer for me is to have hope for the future. I will hold on to hope that the cancer will grow slowly, that it will not spread to other parts of my body, that I will have many more years with my loved ones. But where is there hope in eventual death?
My hope is that, after I die, I will continue to live on in a better place. That hope has always been with me but now it is more important than ever. My hope is built on the story of Jesus’ return to life after He was killed by the Romans. The Bible tells me that over 500 people saw Jesus after He returned to life. If this story is true, and I hope that it is, I have something to hold onto. Jing once asked me if one must believe in Jesus’ return to life to become a Christian. I still do not have a good answer for that question. But for me, everything I hope for is based on this event. If Jesus came back from the dead under His own power, then what He said must be true. And He said that it is possible for me to live with Him forever if I believe what He said.
PG once said that my relationship with the Holy Spirit seemed to be hearing voices in my head. My scientific voice tells me that life after death is impossible. My spiritual voice tells me that this life is not the end. These two voices are now arguing in my head. My scientific voice causes me to fear. My spiritual voice tells me to hope. I want very much to believe my spiritual voice. I cannot scientifically prove or disprove the existence of God so I must make a choice about what to believe. I choose to believe in Jesus’ resurrection and live out the rest of my life in hope.
So why am I telling you this? First, because you are my friends and I love you all very much. I want to share my life with you. Second, because someday, you will get a report or have an experience just like what I have described. I want to give you something that you can hold on to when your time comes. Third, I want friends who will walk with me through the troubled times ahead. I want us to learn together what this ending process is like and the best ways for all of us to manage it.
I have lots of other thoughts about all of this but I am still sorting them out. They include the problems of aloneness, purpose, anger. I want to share them with you as they become more clear. In the meantime, I want to thank you for listening to me this evening. It is a great comfort to me.
